August 30, 2013

Lady E: What I’ve Learned

What I’ve Learned
The bicycle-riding, self-dressing, public school wunderkind looks back on life, family and lessons learned.

I may not “know” much, but I know this: eat all the ice cream you can in one sitting, because it melts quickly and you don’t get a second chance.

Aging is a bitch. I see those mousy little kindergarten girls pouting their lips, strutting their stuff, just waiting for me to show weakness so they can eat my lunch. It ain’t gonna happen.

Nagging works.

So does being outrageously cute, even if it’s transparent.

I love broccoli, other green veggies and everything that doesn’t contain sugar. So, for example, it breaks my heart when I have to give up my broccoli for my younger sister, because she already finished hers. I give her mine because I just want her to be happy, y’know?

Turning on the waterworks with a fake cry is the ultimate tool to manipulate daddy and grandparents. Mommy, not so much.

You know what a salad needs? More cowbell.

You can bullshit a bullshitter. (Case in point: my dad.)

I’m an optimist by inclination, fatalist in practice. Doll houses crack, stuff gets lost, even if we take care. It just…happens. Yet, when I lost a couple of teeth, I got some money. Life is inconsistent and weird.

I categorize my girlfriends into the virtuous and the vicious. Despite my better judgment, I am bored by the virtuous, and tend to hang out with the vicious. Don’t yet grasp why. Boys ain’t on my radar screen—they just are smelly.

I haven’t figured out pathos yet. How could I? I haven’t had that much life experience! But it’s simple, really. You like candy, you eat it. You see someone hurting, you help them. That’s it.

Learn to swim or you sink.

Walking to school isn’t that hard. Follow the road, just keep moving forward, and hold your head high. Just like life.
I like my little sister, simply because I can punch harder than she can. And that’s what she gets for calling me “bossy” or not turning over the TV remote when I command it.

I handle stress by controlling impulses (sometimes), competing with other kids, whining, and losing focus…hey, look at that compelling new cartoon on TV ... see ya.